Why do I need a drink?

My history with alcohol is a long and a sad one for a girl (woman?) that is only just approaching her 24th birthday. I'll start at the beginning. I never gave alcohol much thought. I was never one of those tweens that wanted to taste their Dad's beer. I literally never thought about what it might be like to get drunk. When I was 15 I had a best friend, also 15, who had been drinking recreationally since she was 12. Her parents were going out of town and she was planning a house party and I was, meanwhile, planning my first drinking experience. I decided I would drink Smirnoff Ice. Pomegranate flavor. I think I drank about one and half. I don't think I really got drunk. I didn't really know what to think. I probably drank a few times after that but I definitely remember the first time I got drunk and boy oh boy did I love it. For the first time in my life I felt confident. It was the first time I ever felt like I was fun. Writing this is hard for me because I miss that feeling so much and I know that it cannot be a part of my life anymore. It was a friends 16th birthday party and I was drinking shots of UV blue. I was dancing and boys were responding and that made me feel awesome. I also have incredibly huge daddy/abandonment issues and a strong need for male attention and obviously alcohol really helped me with that. I think from that point forward I knew that I loved being drunk and that I wanted to be drunk often, especially in social situations. The rest of high school was a series of "pre-gaming" every social event, obsessing over how I was going to acquire alcohol, and relying heavily on booze to even so much as say "hi" to the opposite sex. It felt normal because, honestly, everyone around me was doing the exact same thing. It didn't really phase me. My drinking experience in high school was mostly normal except for two very awful occasions. The first time alcohol scared the shit out of me I was 16. I was at yet another birthday party of someone that wasn't really my friend. I was drinking Everclear not knowing anything about proofs or percentage of alcohol. Needless to say, about two shots in and I was a goner. I don't remember much besides playing a game of beer pong and falling over a lot. Next thing I know, I woke up on the floor in different clothes with some guy I barely knew spooning me. My best friend who took me to the party assured me that nothing happened. I just basically fell over, passed out, started puking and that was that. She took care of me and changed my clothes and put me to "bed" so to speak. I didn't drink for awhile after that. My best friend eventually talked me into attempting to drink again and things were normal until Halloween of my junior year. I went to a Halloween party and again made the mistake of drinking alcohol with an incredibly high alcohol content. 151 rum. The night was similar to the one in the last paragraph but worse. Apparently I was foaming at the mouth but no one wanted to call an ambulance because no one wanted to get in trouble for underage drinking. I could have died. I want to cry just thinking about it. I have never had a worse hangover in my life. On top of that, I was banned from going to any parties at that house or the houses of any of that girl's friends. I think I kissed some 30 year old guy and tried to steal someone's boyfriend. Apparently there is also a picture somewhere of me taken mid-projectile vomit. I'm pretty sure I promised myself that day that I would never drink again. My best friend was pissed. I was pissed at myself. Lots of terrible things have happened in my life because of alcohol. But I have also had lots of awesome experiences, too. Now that I look back on it, though, those experiences would have been equally as awesome without the involvement of alcohol. And without alcohol, those terrible experiences would never have taken place. Basically, alcohol sucks. I was drunk when I had my first kiss. I was drunk when I lost my virginity. I was drunk when I cheated on my first love. I was drunk when I broke up with my first love. I was drunk when I cut myself so bad that I had to go to the ER for stitches (this happened three times). I have been drunk for literally the entire 23rd year of my life. It started getting out of hand when I found the pictures. The boyfriend I had recently moved in with was cheating on me. I can't explain the way that I felt when I found out. It absolutely ruined me. Yet, I decided to stay. And I decided to drink. Being cheated on made me feel like nothing. Trash. Ugly. Boring. Inadequate. Staying with him made me feel weak. Drinking made me feel better. It got progressively worse as my negative thoughts pushed me further and further down into this dark hole I had created. I don't really know how it got so bad. It seemed like one day I was fine and the next day I was drinking literally from the minute I woke up until I made myself pass out. I drank at work. I drank while driving. I drank literally all the time, about a fifth a day. I would pick up bottles of vodka on my lunch break. I would drink vodka out of a water bottle at work. I would hide vodka bottles in the hamper in the laundry room so that my boyfriend wouldn't see how much I was drinking. I am honestly so embarrassed even thinking about how I could let myself get like that. I am a smart girl. I used to have such dreams for my future and such respect for myself. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got here. I'm not really sure what made me decide to try and stop drinking. Yeah, I felt like shit. I would basically come home from work and pass out. I was throwing up all of the time and had horrible stomach pains. I had no motivation or focus to do anything for myself. I probably looked like shit, too. One day after a night of heavy heavy drinking, I had to call off work because I felt so awful. Terrible anxiety, couldn't get out of bed, nauseous. I thought it was a hangover but I realize now that it was withdrawal. When I could finally get myself out of bed, I drove to McDonald's to get myself some food. I felt so weird, so out of it. I was in line at the drive-thru and my hands started tingling like they were asleep but it was so intense. My ears were ringing and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I pulled out of the drive-thru line and parked in a parking spot. My hands were tingling so bad and they started locking up, my fingers literally twisted into knots and I couldn't move them no matter how hard I tried. I have never ever been so scared. I tried to use by phone to call my boyfriend but I couldn't dial the number with my fingers locked up. I rolled down my car window and called out to a nearby family for help. I was crying hysterically and begging them to call 911 because I had no idea what was going on. I couldn't move my hands. I thought they would stay that way forever. By the time the ambulance got there, my hands started to go back to normal. The doctor said that it happened because I was hyperventilating and my limbs were not getting enough oxygen. Whatever it was, I knew that alcohol had something to do with it. I told myself then that things were going to change and they did for a little while. I took lithium and cut back (a little) on my drinking. Before I knew it I was back to drinking morning 'til night in huge quantities. I told myself to keep drinking so that I wouldn't get withdrawal again but obviously that gets no one anywhere in the end. I just didn't want to stop at the time. So I kept drinking. I eventually made a doctor's appointment per the request of my boyfriend who was fed up with my behavior. I literally drank before the appointment. It was with my general practitioner, the doctor I had been seeing since I was a baby. I told him my story and he wanted me to detox in a hospital. I absolutely freaked out. I refused to do that but at the same time I was absolutely terrified of withdrawal. I cried so much in that office. I thought for sure I would have seizures and hallucinations. I begged him for some kind of benzo to help me through but he told me no, that it would do me no good. After all, it didn't work the first time when they gave me valium. I went home and cried and cried and freaked out and cried some more. I couldn't tell if my anxiety was withdrawal or just my fear of withdrawal. Regardless, it was awful. I ended up going to the ER that night with the intentions of either getting benzos or admitting myself to inpatient detox. The doctor there gave me some Ativan and I told myself I was done right then and there. I stopped drinking altogether and the meds helped me through. As soon as I felt like I was over the withdrawal, I started drinking again. Just a few drinks at a time and every time I drank I just got more scared than buzzed. I tried to tell myself that I could drink normally. Maybe I can drink normally but I don't think I can or should risk it. I don't want to go through withdrawal again. I don't want to go back to the way I was and that's why I wrote this. As much as I am terrified of the idea that I will always struggle with this addiction, as terrifying as it seems to never, ever be able to drink again...I know that I need to do this. Alcohol has never done anything good for me. I can have a great life, a fun life without it. I can be a great, confident, beautiful, and SOBER person. Why do I need it? Why do I need a drink? I don't. Writing this has been extremely helpful. I have been abstaining from alcohol but I literally think about drinking all of the time. I don't really crave it I just can't come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to drink again. I just need to keep remembering how much it has negatively impacted my life and also how completely AMAZING I feel now that I have stopped. I have so much energy and focus. I don't feel sick anymore. No more stomach pains. The hardest part about stopping is thinking about how it will change my social life. I can't remember the last time I thrived in a social situation without a drink in my hand. I feel like the shy middle school version of me all over again. I just hope my awkwardness can come off as endearing. Wishful thinking. It is also difficult because I feel like I am literally meeting my boyfriend all over again. The relationship is the entirely different entity now. I was drunk for like 98% of the the relationship and his cheating was a huge trigger for me. He also drinks often which is hard for me because I miss being drunk with him. I don't blame him necessarily, but his involvement in the situation does complicate things. I will say that he has been extremely supportive and patient with me through this whole process and I greatly appreciate it. I want to continue to add new entries here documenting this journey and I hope that it can keep me on the path to a long, healthy, happy life.